I wanted to share my cousin's story about the loss of Pregnancy through Miscarriage and Stillbirth

My cousin posted this about an hour ago on Facebook. She has been through a very hard road with infertility as well as having a stillbirth. This brought me to tears and in a way, brought so much hope.


Pregnancy Loss through Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Many of you know my story, but some of you don't. I was reminded by a friend today that I have some good information to share. I also found some wonderful information on the internet, so if you know anyone who is going through something like this and needs it, I will post it here.

My story...My first pregnancy was a miscarriage at 13 weeks. My second pregnancy, after 3 years of infertility, was difficult as well. My first doctor's appointment showed a huge mass encircling and attached to the uterus, which looked like it possibly was malignant. I had to go back to the doctor and specialists for an ultrasound, to find out what treatment they would use, with no hope of maintaining the pregnancy. When I went back 4 weeks later, God had miraculously healed me and there was no mass. Our son, Micah was born perfectly healthy. (It is his birthday today, for which I am so thankful!!!) Another eight years of infertility followed, with many fertility treatments and 2 hour trips to Columbus, Ohio, searching for a miracle to have a sibling for Micah. We were finally told that there was no other treatment, the fact that I had even gotten pregnant twice was unbelievable, and we should be very thankful for the miracle we had. We were and didn't pursue any other treatments. Seven months later, I was pregnant with our daughter, Canaan Sommer. She was stillborn 37 weeks later full-term, healthy, with no explanation for her death.

What is it that makes people like my sister Melinda, get pregnant easily even while trying to prevent it, but others like myself, have so much trouble having children? I am not certain. However, I do know that God never allows us to go through something, without providing the grace and strength we need to go through it, while holding us every step of the way. (To borrow from the Crabb Family's song "Through the Fire," "He never promised that the cross would not be heavy, that the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our victories without fighting, but he said help would always come in time. So just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says give in, just hold on, our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again.) I also know that through each tragedy or loss, we can find a way to help others with our experiences, even leading some to Him through them.

My life verse is Job 23:10, "For when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold." Gold has to go through fire so hot, it burns off all the impurities that come out of the ground with it...the dirt, rocks, other minerals, to make it pure and precious. We will have to go through some trials in this life, some fire, but we will become more pure and precious to God through them.

I have been asked to speak at Women's Conferences, Mother Daughter Banquets, churches, to funeral directors, and to medical professionals about my experiences. Not many people have files as thick as mine at their OB/GYN's office or have all three experiences of inferitility, miscarriage and stillbirth. I sometimes share information that is unique and often shocking...that in many ways, my miscarriage was harder than my stillborn. Everyone wants to know how and why, so here it is:

1. When I had the miscarriage, people's remarks to me were, "It is God's way of taking care of a problem," "You will have more children. This happens to a lot of people." "You weren't that far along to really know it was a baby anyway. You didn't feel it move." Those comments were not comforting at all, but made the pain worse. I knew people were trying to be helpful, but they did not choose their words wisely. When you have a stillborn, everyone has seen you large, pregnant, and ready to deliver. The baby is real to them. It is a rare occurrence to have a stillborn full-term, and somewhat shocking, so most are at a loss for words and simply say, "I'm sorry." Those are the best words for both a miscarriage and a stillborn. You don't need to go further, unless it is "What can I do to help?"

2. I have pictures of my daughter. I have small snips of her hair from the funeral director.
These are memories and keepsakes that remind me and others that she existed. I have nothing to show that my first child ever existed.

3. My daughter has a name. I know that she was a girl and was able to give her a name. I can put her name on jewelry, Christmas ornaments, etc. as an actual part of our family. I don't know if my first baby was a boy or girl. He or she has no name, just "Baby."

4. My daughter had a funeral. There is a grave where I can go to put flowers on her birthday, Christmas, Memorial Day, etc., to remember her. I have no idea what happened to my first baby. It was taken to the lab at the hospital for testing, and I never saw it again.

5. The bedside manner of doctors is different. A miscarriage is so common, that doctors can easily blow it off, forgetting that, though it is not unique to them, it is to the mother. During a stillbirth, the doctor feels responsible...What didn't he see that may have prevented it? How did he lose this baby? How will he help the mother and father get through this? He has lost a patient...a baby. The hipocratic oath he took was to save life, not lose it.

6. When a mother finds out she's pregnant, even if, with all the new technology, she is only 2 weeks, she begins to plan and dream about the baby she is having. She wonders if it is a boy or girl, who it will look like, etc. She starts planning the nursery, preparing for the baby, though it is just a tiny embryo. It is a living, breathing child already to her! No matter if she is pregnant for 2 weeks or 9 months, she does the same planning, feels the same excitement, has the same emotions...feels the same grief! She lost a baby!!! It doesn't matter what stage the baby stopped growing or was born not alive...it was still HER baby! The grief and stages of grief and feeling of loss are the same! Many forget that when someone miscarries.

7. Mother's Day is more difficult. If you have buried a child, everyone knows you at least held a baby in your arms at some point and honor you as a mother. After a miscarriage, on that day at church, when other mothers are honored, you don't know whether to acknowledge that you are a mother or not. Many people may not know you miscarried and wonder what you are doing standing with other mothers. You also question yourself, am I really a mother or not? I didn't really get to hold my baby. I don't have a name for him or her. There is no evidence of me being a mother. I don't deserve a flower or gift, etc. It's a horrible day for those who have had a miscarriage and no other children. I would highly suggest, if you are a pastor or pastor's wife, that you find a way to honor those women during your service. Acknowledge anyone who has had a miscarriage by saying, "If you have had a pregnancy that ended in loss, you are still a mother and we want to honor you." or something to that effect.

There are many other reasons I could list, but this note would be so long, no one would read it.

If you or someone you know has a miscarriage or stillborn, there are so many great websites to help them and to help you know what to do to comfort them. Here are a few I found that are excellent:

How to Survive the Loss of Your Stillborn Baby
http://www.ehow.com/how_5774904_survive-loss-stillborn-baby.html

How to Comfort the Mother of a Stillborn Baby
http://www.ehow.com/how_5276408_comfort-mother-stillborn-baby.html

How to Support Someone Who Has a Miscarriage
http://www.ehow.com/how_4487883_console-someone-who-had-miscarriage.html

How to Comfort a Friend Who Has Had a Miscarriage
http://www.ehow.com/how_5203767_comfort-friend-miscarriage.html

What an amazing strong woman.
Thankyou for posting this!

i agree with brooke. wow thanks for sharing

She is a very strong woman! I love to hear her speak.

That is such a touching story... She has so much insight and knowledge. So painful to hear all the heartbreak they have endured though...